Archive for the 'Relationship Management' Category

How to Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship

Friday, December 19th, 2008


Jealousy is one of the emotions that spring out at unexpected times. There are instances when you just want to burst into tears and jolt into anger because a partner shows interest to other things or individual. You can feel it eating your heart out and distort your logic, which may cause you to do something irrational. Before jumping into any conclusion or reach a decision, one should try to sit back and release the pent up emotions, not by throwing solid objects literally or flinging hurtful words, but simply try to inhale and exhale to even your breathing first. Once you are calm, that should be the time for you let your mind work.

Ask yourself why do you feel like this? When did this start to bother you? Are you a jealous person? Do you have a reason to be jealous? So on and so forth. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered first, questions that need to be dealt within you before you seek other people’s advise. Know the root of this disturbing reaction and how this is affecting you. You are human after all, it is normal to feel insecure but you should at least try to be open-minded and not let this cloud your judgments. It happens sometimes but if you are always like this, you better stop and look at yourself, maybe the problem is you.

Honesty will guide you to resolve this matter, so you should be true to yourself. When you have made up your mind that it is so unlike you to feel jealous, you better have an honest talk with your partner and convey your trust issues. Do not involve shouting or hurling disrespectful words that would only worsen the situation. Be calm and be rational. When you have resolved the issue, you have to trust your partner if you want to save your relationship. Do not let this consume you, let it go and move on.

Beautiful Balloon Wedding Decorations

Monday, October 27th, 2008

Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding? Balloon decorations are just what you need. These do-it-yourself ideas are not only low-cost but also lovely additions to a wedding ceremony or reception. Adding balloon decorations to your wedding is a smart way to be creative and save money.

Balloon Arch

The balloon arch is a perfect way to add flair to your celebration. The easiest way to construct the piece is to get a pre-built wedding arch made of white metal. If a wedding arch is not available, you can build an arch using strong bendable metal wire. Just make sure it is sturdy enough to stand on its own.

After positioning the arch, simply attach full balloons onto the arch using wire ties or string. Wrap the tie around the base of the balloon and then onto the arch. It is best to start at the top and work your way down both sides evenly to crate a uniform look. This can be done with multicolored balloons or balloons of one shade. Balloons should not be filled with helium however.

The more balloons you can attach, the better the piece will turn out. Also, this is a piece that must be constructed at the site where it will be used. Balloon arches last approximately twelve hours, so plan its construction carefully.

The completed arch can be used in several places. Some brides choose to place the arch outside the entrance to the ceremony. This allows guest to walk through the arch as well as the bride and her attendants. Other brides choose to use the arch as a ceremony highlight. They prefer to place it in the ceremony area so they can stand under it as they are saying their vows. Lastly, many brides feel this decoration is better suited for the reception area and use it to decorate for the after-ceremony event.

Balloon Centerpiece

For brides on a tight budget, balloon décor can be an easy way to stay on track financially and design a beautiful wedding. One of the best places brides can use wedding balloon decorations is on reception tables. To make a creative balloon centerpiece, you will need white paper lunch sacks, sand, pretty string, helium, and balloons in coordinating reception colors.

Take a paper sack and fill it will two cups of sand. Fill three balloons with helium and tie them off with long strings. Then, bunch up the top of the sack and tie the balloons around it to secure them. Place the sack in the middle of the table and you have an easy centerpiece.

It is best to cut the strings of the three balloons differently to allow them to be different heights when arranged. You can also curl excess ribbon or string to make it more decorative. For extra beauty, brides can stuff the bags with decorative tissue paper after adding the sand. When the balloons are attached the tissue paper can stick out of the top for a more polished look.

This idea is also great for last minute decorating. Brides are not limited to using this piece in the reception, and can also use this idea to decorate the ceremony. It is lovely to place this piece on the floor, lining the aisle in the ceremony.

Balloon decorations for weddings are wonderful ways to add fun and creativity. Brides can make the decorations themselves with their family and friends. These ideas may be low-cost, but the end product certainly looks beautiful.

Whitney Acke is a freelance writer from Lexington, Kentucky. In addition to freelance writing she also enjoys songwriting. She and her husband have two young boys and four dogs. She is a regular contributor to http://www.wedding-decoration-idea.com

Building Up Your Marriage with Healthy Communication

Friday, October 24th, 2008

Would you like to have a stronger, healthier, more enjoyable marriage? I am sure that you would. And yet we live in a culture where about half of all marriages will shatter and end in a divorce, leaving behind the wreckage of broken adults and broken children.


If we are to build healthy marriages, we much do so “on purpose.” We cannot just hope that it will happen by accident. “Hope,” say the generals, “is not a good strategy.” Planning, work, and the investment of time, are much better strategies for any important endeavor of life. The first characteristic of a healthy marriage for us to consider is the way that we talk to our spouse, and the way that we talk about our spouse..


Healthy marriages are characterized by supportive, encouraging, and honest communication. We want to build each other up in our marriages, never tear our spouse down (especially under the guise of being “honest”). Two thousand years ago St. Paul wrote this verse that is worthy of every refrigerator door in America,


“Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to what they need, so that you can benefit those who listen.” (Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, Chapter 4).


There are three important parts to Paul’s verse. First, that if we don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all. I think my mother told me that as well. Second, that we should consider our listener’s needs. My wife has a different set of needs than does my daughter, or my sons. We should consider how best to encourage and support that particular person. Finally, the purpose of our talking in the first place should be to benefit the listener.


When I first began to seriously apply Paul’s principle, and I began to really look at what I was saying, and why I was saying it, my vocabulary and my time talking were cut by about one-third. I had become sarcastic, but funny. But my funny sarcasm was always at the expense of another. When I determined to build others up and benefit them with my speech, I talked a lot less. But I became a much better person, both inside and out.


Check your motives. If you just want to make yourself look good, you will tend to be sarcastic, and you will tend to “tease” other people by degrading them in front of others. The consequences of this will be that your friends will see your “teasing” as shameful, and your spouse and your children will grow distant from you. It may cost you your marriage.


If , on the other hand, your motives are to build up and encourage your spouse and children, then speak words of support, love, and praise to them. Your friends will view you as a loving person, and your spouse and children will always want to be near you. They will love to hear you talk, as your words will be “like honey” to them.


So choose well how you will use your words. You have the power to build up, or to tear down, just by the choices that you make.

Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library’s family of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.

What is Love? How Do You Know If You Have Found The Right Person?

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

What is love? Is it something you can feel? How do people know if they have found the person they could spend the rest of their lives with? It would be easier to know if we’ve found this person if we could know what love is.

Initially when we meet someone we like there is probably something physical attracting us. We may feel attracted. Then if all goes well - you go out, have a good time, and find you want to spend more time with one another - you may begin to have more feelings for one another. But is this love? Time is the answer to all of these questions and the tester of the relationship.

Keep sex out of the mix. When sex becomes part of the equation things become confusing fairly quickly. Sex is a strong and powerful gift that should only be used in marriage to become more intimate - more intimate than you could without it. Outside of marriage it only serves to destroy any chance of truly knowing if you have love for someone or, if they have love for you.

If your relationship is based on sex you are on an unstable foundation. If your feelings change so will your desire to have sex, so will your so called feelings of love with this person and, the same is true for them. Sex only works if love is the foundation of a marriage relationship.

Feelings change and this makes it an unstable foundation for a relationship as well. A lot of times feelings change when the bliss of sex has worn off or, the things you can’t stand about the other person surfaces with more frequency. Sex will cause you to look past the things you can’t really live with in another person. And when sex fails to work for you, all you have left are all those things that irritate you about your partner.

So what is love? If you can keep sex from coming into the picture the time you spend together can help you find out if you can love the person you’re seeing. You will learn what their values are. You will learn what makes them tick and what drives them. You will find out if you could love them through the time you spend together.

What are the interests you share? What things are you passionate about together? Are there things that get on your nerves - drive you crazy? Can you live with those things? Are you driven by the same things they are driven by? Do all these interests that you both share cause you to draw closer or, do they make you want to spend less time together? If after you have seen all there is to see in a person and you are still drawn then you are ready - Ready for what? -To make a decision.

Love is not a feeling or an attraction. It is a decision. In all the things you learn about one another you must weigh whether or not you can live with those things. Are the traits in this person the traits you are looking for in a mate? Do their flaws turn you off to the point that you will choose not to love at some point? Is there enough in them that you like and admire for you to make a decision to love them for the rest of your life? See, love is a verb. It is an action word. It is something you decide to do. It is something you make a commitment to do in good times and bad. In other words you are deciding after everything that you have seen that you can still love the person inside.

From the bible here is a description of love:

(4)Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud (5) or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. (6)It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. (7)Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (8)Love will last forever..(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Tony Tate - EzineArticles Expert Author

On line dating and free relationship advice - is a web site discussing various methods of on line dating and finding, judging, and using free relationship advice. Also reviews of many on line dating sites.

The Keys To Creating More Romance In Your Life Are Within You

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

Since most people express the desire to have more romance in their lives, it really begs the question: How do you create a romance that lasts? What’s the secret to energizing your life with a lasting vibrant romantic energy?

It’s critical to embrace the concept that we create our own reality. From moment to moment we are literally creating the life we live out of a field of infinite potential. Thoughts, desires, attentions, and intentions are all crucial elements in manifesting the current reality in which we live.

Regardless of specific religious or metaphysical belief, it is universally agreed that beneath the physical beingness there is a spiritual beingness as well, and that the nature of this spirit is infinite. And since at the true core of our being we are infinite, by definition we possess unlimited creative potential.

The keys to unlocking and directing this potential, that is, creating our reality, have to do with the quality our intention and desire, and how and where we focus our attention. What we focus on becomes our reality. This is one of the immutable laws of our universe.

Your intentions have great power. They organize the infinite field of potential and bring it into harmony with your desires. Attention, on the other hand, enlivens your reality. If you want more of something, put your attention on it. Intend that it be so. This powerful combination of intention and attention helps mold your living reality from moment to moment.

From this perspective, romance can be understood as a condition of loving reality that is created from moment to moment from and within the infinite field of pure potentiality. Often it happens spontaneously between two people. It seldom lasts long, however, and even more seldom forever. It is possible, though, to create a lasting romance; it takes honest desire, loving intention, and constant loving attention. Like any life force, romance needs constant nurturing to grow and stay healthy.

So if you desire more romance in your life, start by thinking about the romance you want. Take time each day to envision your life with more romance in it. Try to visualize clearly what your life would be like, and how your conditions would change. Imagine yourself being romantic in vivid detail. Write down on paper your vision and read it daily. Post it somewhere where you can see it often.

Also, examine your intention about romance. Are your intentions to create more love in your life, or are they about something else? And most important, are you committed to its creation? Over time are your really willing to do what it takes to manifest it in your life?

You can create anything in your life with honest and strong desire, positive and committed intention, and consistent loving attention. These are all keys to creating a lasting romance in your life as well.

Mark Maxwell is a saxophonist and composer whose company, Romantic Sax Music, creates and distributes music that facilitates romance and harmony. Romantic Sax Music: Romancing Your Heart…Soothing Your Soul

Planning A Romantic Beach Wedding In Florida

Friday, September 12th, 2008

When you think of Florida what do you think of? I think of FUN! As a child I spent time in Florida every year and we had fun at the beaches, fun at the Theme parks, just plain old fun was had every time we visited Florida. Now that I’m planning my wedding, I’m looking for the ideal spot to hold the ceremony, I keep thinking about the beach wedding I’ve always dreamed of as a little girl.

For those of you whom have never been to Florida, it’s a peninsula state located in the Southeastern portion of the United States. It’s known for its beautiful beaches, Citrus groves, The Everglades and Theme Parks. It’s also known as the place that many people like to spend their days in retirement. It’s no wonder why Florida is one of the top vacation destinations in the world.

Not surprising, Florida is becoming a popular spot to have wedding ceremonies. In particular the St. Petersburg and Clearwater area, this is on the Gulf Coast. These two cities are reportedly hosting 8,500 weddings annually. The beaches on this coast are some of the most beautiful in the world, which make an exciting and romantic backdrop for a wedding.

One of the reasons that Florida’s gulf coast is so popular is that there are so many options for the bride and groom to choose. Yes, you can have a beautiful beach wedding but there are some magnificent Botanical Gardens here also. The Tampa Bay lighthouse is used for some weddings as well as a number of unique and exotic locations. With so many options to choose from, it’s no surprise as to Florida’s rise as one of the top wedding destinations!

Privacy and romance are top consideration when planning to perfect Florida wedding. Most of the companies that offer beach weddings are geared towards small parties under 60. When considering my budget I was happy to find that the wedding beach pricing was indeed affordable. Prices range from modest to extravagant; there is definitely something for every bride and grooms budget.

Guests will be treated to a memorable experience too. The beach setting of thundering ocean waves, snow white sand and warm soothing sun create an atmosphere of bliss for everyone attending the ceremony. As the bride and groom proceed through the ceremony, it’s said that all in attendance are moved by the beauty and romance of the beach setting. The soon to be newlyweds are not only providing memories that last a lifetime for themselves but for their guests as well.

Yes, Florida does look like a great wedding destination spot. If you haven’t considered planning an exotic wedding do you self a favor and look into it. You may want to contact your travel agent or an online service to check to see if flying to Florida will be in your budget. I did and found that the cost would be far less than a traditional wedding at home. Naturally we’ll remember this special day where ever we choose to hold it but having the choice of being married in a romantic location like one of Florida’s breathtaking beaches or a traditional indoor wedding, the beach wedding just seems so much more special. Little did I know that my dream wedding as a little girl may very well be the wedding that becomes my reality.

Holly Dodd is a webmaster that enjoys including her personal solutions, like planning a wedding and a variety of other topics are covered in other websites.

The Power of Love and SMS Messages

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

I’d had a full week and was dead tired. All I looked forwarded to was 5 pm, a few beers and the weekend. Teaching young Emirati/Arab ladies about human resources and business communication in English was always going to be a challenge given their varying levels of English comprehension. Trying to find a meeting of minds with anyone can be a challenge, let alone those who speak English as a second language. But occasionally I knew I was getting my message across and that these ladies would benefit from the knowledge and skills they were learning.

Most of our classes had a touch of humour and fun, some good teamwork with those with a better command of English helping their colleagues pick up the nub of my messages, and a good rapport between us, me as the expatriate Australian who had come to help (and brought with him a strange accent); them as the willing learners. We took time to do some serious learning, but have a bit of fun in the process. The last day of the week is a low key day. We revise what we have covered in the previous week and set the scene for the coming week. Everyone was tired, but somehow we hung in there and got through the final hour.

It’s very satisfying knowing that you are helping the next generation of people who will make the United Arab Emirates even greater than it is. While I teach them human resources, they covertly teach me about the fortitude it takes to come back day after day and struggle to learn unfamiliar topics in a language that they only partially understand. Each has developed coping mechanisms. It takes a special type of courage and dedication that I have come to admire very much. I often wonder whether I could do it.

Anyway, we had been discussing SMS messaging and how it might, or might not be used in business; when it was appropriate and when it wasn’t. They are all adept at anything to do with mobile phones and modern technology generally, but the intricacies of appropriate business communication we had to cover.

At the end of the lesson they bade me “have a nice weekend sir”, and I returned to my desk to complete the last bit of paperwork, prepare for next week and enter attendances before leaving. Although I had managed to get through the last lesson, I stil felt stuffed.

For some reason or other I went straight to my mobile phone, which I leave in my desk set to ’silent’ while in the classroom. Usually I forget to check it until hours later in the evening. But today, I decided to check my messages. And there it was. No. It wasn’t notification of a huge lottery win. It was much better. My daughter in Australia had sent me an SMS message that simply said, “I love you dad”. Nothing else, just “I love you dad”.

I was puzzled. Nobody ever tells me they love me. As I fought back tears (unsucessfully), I reflected on how very lucky I am to have a lovely daughter who, for some reason or other, had decided on the spur of the moment to tell me what she feels. It mattered not to me why she said it, only that she said it. I thought, “I love you too”, switched the mobile back to “loud” and finished up the remaining work before driving home.

My tiredness remarkably, had vanished. I felt elated, like a million dollars … I was The King of the World and everything was wonderful. That’s the Power of Love. Mix it with the immediacy of an SMS message and you have a powerful combination.

All of us want to love and be loved. It’s part of the human condition. With the power of SMS messages and the written word, you can change lives. When was the last time you told someone you love them?

Copyright 2006 Robin Henry | First Published March 2006

Robin Henry - EzineArticles Expert Author

Robin Henry is an educator, human resources specialist and Internet entrepreneur. He helps home-based businesses and individuals improve performance by applying smart technology and processes and developing personally. He runs his business Desert Wave Enterprises from his home base at Alice Springs in Central Australia, although at present he is on temporary assignment in the United Arab Emirates.

How To Pick Up the Gloves In Marriage and Fight Well - “Body Basics!”

Sunday, August 31st, 2008

Call it a fight, call it a discussion, call it whatever you want. But let’s be honest. The truth is that in every marriage there is fighting. No matter what you think, there is no such thing as the Cleavers or the Cosbys. That being said, if it happens in every marriage, why is it that there are some couples who seem to enter and exit the ring gracefully while others seem like there is never a break between rounds? The reason is that some people have learned the secrets behind fighting well and others are just swinging away hoping to connect.

Whether you have been married 20 years or 20 minutes, learning to fight well can
be the difference between being one of the most rewarding experiences of marriage
and the most challenging.

What fight do you want to fight?

Let’s clarify what was said previously. Everyone fights, but you may not
actually know it. Even if you are in the relationship. There are basically 2 types of
fighters; the Screamers and the Sweepers.

What does a screamer sound like?

This is the couple that nobody doubts is having problems. They are the ones
that fight over the smallest things, and these small things turn into World War III.
The fights turn brutal fast and leave deep wounds that are still raw as the next fight
starts. They fight about the same thing over and over and never seem to solve a
thing.

How deep is the carpet you sweep under?

These couples do have conflicts, but they keep it quiet. From the neighbors,
from the family, and even from themselves. When a conflict arises, these people will
quickly and effectively avoid the conflict and will work around it. When they come
into therapy, generally these people will talk about conflicts that were never
resolved 10 years ago that their partner didn’t even know was a problem.

Why do so many couples fight?

Here is the problem. There really are 3 things working against you in this
relationship.

What family tree did you fall from?
First is that neither one of you grew up in the same family. Maybe your family was
the kind of family that was loud and outgoing, always doing things together, and
constantly moving, whereas your partner came from a family where spending time
together meant that they were in the same room together listening to the same
clock ticking in the corner. It may not have been quite that extreme, but you get the
point.

Are you a fruit?
Secondly, no two people in the world have had exactly the same experiences and
thoughts as another person. Our experiences tend to form who we are and how we
see life. Therefore, no two people in or out of a relationship will ever see their
relationship exactly the same. It is like trying to compare apples to oranges.

What planet are you on?

Finally, there is one overlying theme that hangs over all of us in traditional
relationships. One of us is male and the other is female. Period. Although we are
not from different planets as you may have heard, society expects different things
from us and we therefore have different goals and expectations about relationships
and our roles in them.

Knowing that there are such strong, lifelong habits and traits that we are dealing
with, it should be

Why do we lose control?

When we fight, something interesting happens in our bodies. For most people,
fighting isn’t just an exchange of words. It is an emotional event that happens and
is felt throughout our bodies.

Emotion types

There are two types of emotions. Primary and secondary. Secondary emotions are
emotions that come after the main emotion occurs. In essence, it is a reaction to the
reaction.

When people come into a session, most often we hear “She pissed me off”, or
“He made me so mad”. That is not the real emotion. That is the reaction to the
emotion. The primary emotion is hurt, disappointment, or rejection. It is important
that this distinction be made.

Chemical Confusion

Part of the problem when we fight is that too often we are dealing with the
secondary emotions. We have felt something strongly like rejection or betrayal, and
then our bodies automatically go into defensive mode. Our brains release chemicals
that put us on alert and do not allow proper functioning of brain processing.

What we need to realize is that people who work off of secondary emotions do not
actually see reality because their brains cannot function properly with the chemicals
that are being produced. Our natural response is to retaliate without thought. How
can you fight effectively when your brain is not functioning? You can’t! That is why
you need to be able to see clearly enough to fight.

This is just not natural!

Why is it that fighting well is so difficult? Even the most practiced couple makes
mistakes at times and seems to go backwards. What needs to be understood is that
it is not natural to have the kind of conversations that will make marriages work.
Our natural reaction is to fight or run.

So what we are doing is trying go against what our animal instincts are telling us to
do. What needs to happen is that we need to transcend that instinct and move to a
higher level and do things that feel difficult and unnatural. It’s hard, but it can be
done using proven tools.

Other Topics in this Series

1) Check Out Time

2) Kitchen Sinking

3) Sucker Punch

4) Setting the Rules

…and many more

Topics discussed here are not intended to replace professional counselling. For
further information, more articles like this and downloadable audio files, visit
www.bestmarriages.com

With over 40 years of combined experience in marriage, family, and relationship counselling, Jay, Lawrence, and Darren offer a unique and refreshing perspective on what makes marriages effective.

When Your Ex Will Not Talk To You About The Children

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

According to Rob Emery in his book “The Truth About Children and Divorce,” 75% of kids of divorce end up doing very well despite the parent’s separation. Does this happen naturally or do the parents actions have an impact on how the children will respond to the divorce?

Having experienced a divorce first hand, I believe the parent’s actions will have an impact on the children after the separation. Don’t get me wrong; some children will pass through a divorce completely unaffected while other kids will obviously need some help.

Recently, my two sons who live with their mom in a different province were visiting me for a week. During the visit, I saw my oldest son staring off into space one day with a far away look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking about and he made up some response about just looking at the forest. I realized the time was not right to discuss the matter but I asked him about it later that day. He eventually confessed he missed living in the same place as his dad but he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to make me sad.

As it turns out, he also did not want to play with any of his old friends from our neighborhood because he was afraid his mom might think he liked his old friends more then his new friends. He also said he didn’t want to make his mom mad in the event she thought he may want to move back with his dad.

Obviously, my oldest son is troubled by the divorce and separation of his parents despite what his mother would say. The real question is will this affect him in years to come? Will he experience trouble with commitment or communication? I certainly hope not but things are obviously much more difficult because my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me about the children.

In his book, Emery suggests parents should treat their relationship after a divorce like a business. He suggests the parents are in the business of raising children and they would be better off if they treated it as a business. As with any business, if there is a lack of communication the business will fail. If my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me, how are we supposed to have a successful business? In looking back at our marriage, I can see a common thread of her wanting to do things her way and not involve me in the decision making process.

How should I react to this situation now?

I try to follow Emery’s advice but as he suggests himself, “I found … that all the advice I’d given was true, but it was a lot harder to follow than I realized.” It is very difficult to remain objective and look at such an emotional situation like a business. It is extremely difficult to step back from the pain, hurt and suffering and put my children first. It has tested the very bounds of my compassion and forgiveness but I have to believe it is in the best long-term interest of my kids.

When my children were visiting me, they told me about mommy’s new friend that visits the house for a sleep over. It would have been very nice to hear this from my ex-wife. I could care less if she is seeing anyone and in many regards, I am very happy she is. The point is she should have communicated this directly to me if she was sincerely interested in what was best for the kids.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing but I have to keep reminding myself over and over again and again that it is in the best interest of the kids. Just because my ex refuses to respect me as a father, I will not treat her the same way she is treating me.

I firmly believe that children will eventually be able to figure this out themselves. I also believe that children will eventually gravitate towards the parent who is most positive. All I can do is be supportive for my children, have an understanding demeanor and hope they eventually fall into the 75% category.

Gary Kelly is co-creator of the online dating website for golfers, DateAGolfer.com and PuttingForPar.com. DateAGolfer.com is an online dating website for golfers who are interested in expanding their golf network. Join us in Myrtle Beach in September for the world’s first international singles golf tournament. PuttingForPar.com is a golf website specializing in high quality personalized ball markers. They make a great gift idea for golfers in your life.

Collaborative Divorce or Cooperative Divorce?

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Introduction

“Collaborative divorce” is the new buzz word in family law practice. Its proponents enthuse about better and less costly settlements, greater client satisfaction, fewer accounts receivable, and less stress in the practice of law, than they can achieve through a conventional approach to family law disputes. How realistic are these claims? What are the down sides of “collaborative divorce”? Does the concept of “collaborative divorce” present ethical pitfalls and possible malpractice minefields for the unwary practitioner?

Lawyers who participate in the “collaborative divorce” movement use methods borrowed from more established alternative dispute resolution procedures to resolve family law disputes without litigation. However, unlike more accepted dispute resolution procedures, in “collaborative divorce” the lawyers and their clients agree that they will not engage in formal discovery, will voluntarily disclose information, and will settle the case without court intervention of any kind . They assume a duty to inform the attorney for the other party of errors they note in opposing counsel’s legal analysis or understanding of the facts. If they are unable to settle the case, both lawyers must withdraw from representing their respective clients and the estranged spouses must start over with new counsel.

Good Lawyers Routinely Practice Cooperatively

Even the most enthusiastic supporters of “collaborative divorce” concede that the concept of settling cases rather than litigating them is hardly novel. Capable family law practitioners have always directed their effort and creativity toward reaching agreement rather than duking it out in court. It isn’t news to anyone that litigation is expensive - sometimes prohibitively so - and that the most satisfactory settlements derive from skilled negotiation between capable counsel rather than a court-imposed resolution of disputed issues. How does the idea of “collaborative divorce” differ from what experienced practitioners do as a matter of course?

Courtesy. The commitment of lawyers and parties to treat each other courteously is not a new one. Capable attorneys consistently endeavor to work cooperatively with opposing counsel to identify and value assets, set and meet scheduling deadlines, and otherwise facilitate resolution of the case. They respect legitimate positions taken by the other party and encourage their clients to be realistic and respectful as well. They are willing and able to compromise, and they are creative in crafting acceptable resolutions of disputed issues. “Collaborative divorce” supporters intimate that their process is unique because lawyers commit that they will not “threaten, insult, intimidate, or demonize” other participants in the divorce process. Good lawyers don’t do that now. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which historically has provided a model for good practice nationally, has promulgated “Bounds of Advocacy” that set a high standard for professional courtesy and cooperation.

Emotional cost. “Collaborative divorce” proponents say their process is designed for parties who don’t want to go to war and who don’t want “to hate each other for the rest of their lives.” This description fits the vast majority of family law clients, including most of those whose cases end up in court. Clients almost always care about the emotional cost of adversary proceedings, and about the impact of the divorce action on their children and other family members. To suggest that people who really care will give up the protections provided by court oversight is to do a vast disservice to most of our clients.

Financial cost. “Collaborative divorce” supporters want to reduce the costs of the process by streamlining the discovery process. This also is not a new idea. Good lawyers have always sought to keep formal discovery to a minimum, to share costs of appraisals, to stipulate to values, and to cooperate in other ways to keep costs down. Many experienced practitioners routinely utilize mutually agreed upon short-form interrogatories, four-way meetings, joint telephone or in person conferences with experts, and other such collegial arrangements.

As the above analysis indicates, the goals espoused by “collaborative divorce” lawyers do not differ in degree or in kind from the goal of the vast majority of the family law bar. Most lawyers try a cooperative approach first. Most lawyers agree - and most of their clients concur - that resolution of issues by settlement is preferable to litigation. And in most cases, lawyers and their clients resolve disputed issues by agreement and do not resort to the courts.

The Limits of Collaboration

Despite the most concerted efforts of capable counsel, we all know that not all cases settle, and those that do settle sometimes don’t settle easily. All of us have encountered the frustration of the last-minute, courthouse steps agreement, after completion of all the work and stress of trial preparation. Why is it that some cases don’t settle until the very last minute, and some cases don’t settle at all?

Unsettled Legal Issues. Legitimate reasons to resort to litigation are not always evident at the beginning of a case. Much appellate work involves issues the existence of which - or at least the seriousness of which - did not surface until significant discovery and negotiation had occurred. Where the law is unsettled or where counsel genuinely disagree about the appropriate interpretation and application of the law to the facts of their case, it is not only reasonable but necessary to ask the judge to intervene. Cooperative counsel can reduce the complexity and expense of litigation by limiting contested issues, stipulating facts where possible, agreeing in advance to the admission of exhibits, declining to engage in delaying tactics, and other behavior that is both practical and considerate. Lawyers can commit themselves to conduct the proceedings without animosity and can counsel their clients to be courteous to the other side. But the court has the last word on interpreting and applying the law.

Reality Testing. All clients say they want a “fair” result and many of them genuinely mean it. But they may have a very self-absorbed definition of “fair.” Many years ago Leonard Loeb, whose wisdom and example have greatly influenced the development of a civilized standard of practice for family law attorneys, pointed out an important truth: “Sometimes the hardest negotiation you have to engage in is the one with your own client.” A client who simply cannot see the broader picture despite counsel’s best efforts may require the reality therapy of a temporary order hearing, or a pretrial with the judge, or a deadline for responding to formal discovery, in order to be capable of backing down from an unreasonable stance so settlement negotiations can proceed.

Scheduling Orders. We have all represented a left-behind spouse who does everything possible to avoid or at least delay the divorce, or a party who is preoccupied with business affairs or other family problems and just can’t get around to dealing with the work and decision-making implicit in the divorce process. If one party would prefer that the marriage continue, or if completing the action is not a priority, the court may need to facilitate progress in the case by issuing a scheduling order and setting deadlines. Counsel can cooperate by being reasonable and courteous in setting initial deadlines and in agreeing to extensions where necessary. The process need not be - and usually is not - antagonistic.

Financial Disclosure. A client may, deliberately or inadvertently, fail to disclose assets without the rigorous attention to financial detail that formal discovery entails. Surely we have all had the experience of finding forgotten assets when a client produces the records necessary to back up his or her interrogatory answers. In other circumstances, the client and/or counsel may need the assurance of due diligence in discovery in order to be comfortable with a proposed settlement, especially where the estate is complex or the assets are substantial.

Stability. Then there is the personal factor: divorce presents a significant life crisis for most of our clients, and we see them at their most vulnerable and most needy. The commencement of a divorce action is often accompanied by anxiety, guilt, an danger, and may throw a family into chaos. If one party’s antagonism toward the other is so overreaching that he or she is unable to proceed rationally and courteously, interim court orders may be the only way to achieve a level of stability that permits collaborative discussion of the long-term issues presented by the case.

In each of the above situations, the legal system provides structure and finality, and often sets the stage for the ultimate negotiated resolution of the matter. Court processes, rather than being an impediment to settlement, often facilitate it.

The Effectiveness of a “Collaborative Divorce” Approach

Do “collaborative divorce” techniques provide an effective response to the above limitations? Unfortunately, they do not.

Reality Testing. A client whose sense of “fair” is out of kilter with that of the other party and the lawyers will defeat the collaborative process, and both sides will have to incur the expense and delay of starting over with new counsel. Reality testing through a temporary order hearing or a pretrial with the judge is not an option in “collaborative divorce.” The lawyer representing a difficult client must either advocate for the client’s unreasonable position or take a public position adverse to the client’s view. An attorney cannot ethically make either of these choices, The first is at least arguably frivolous; the second violates the requirement that we advocate diligently for our clients. Proponents of “collaborative divorce” have not provided a solution to this ethical dilemma.

Delay, Expense, and New Counsel. A client who wants to stall progress in a “collaborative divorce” can do so indefinitely, until the court threatens to dismiss the action and the party wishing to proceed must then retain new counsel to request a pretrial. Again, both sides incur the expense and delay of bringing a new attorney up to speed. The attorneys who know the facts and have established rapport with their clients cannot continue to be involved. How can this result benefit anyone?

Diligence. Lack of due diligence in discovery may subject the attorney to a malpractice claim [see Helmbrecht v. St. Paul Ins. Co., 122 Wis.2d 94, 362 N.W. 2d 118 (1985)], may violate the ethical requirement of diligent representation, and may make the client uneasy about signing on the dotted line. In complex cases and cases in which there is a disparity in the spouses’ respective familiarity with or involvement in financial affairs, the security of formal discovery is not available to help resolve “collaborative divorces.”

Timely and Efficient Court Intervention. If there is sufficient antagonism that experienced counsel are unable to negotiate an agreement, or if one party refuses to comply with an agreement, court intervention is necessary. Under the “collaborative divorce” approach, both lawyers must withdraw just at the time that an attorney who knows the case is most effective.

Malpractice Issues

In collaborative divorce, the parties and their respective lawyers sign a single contract, at least arguably creating obligations of each lawyer to the other attorney as well as to both clients. The collaborative law contract puts each lawyer in privity with both parties and with opposing counsel, creating a basis for contract claims to which an attorney is not exposed in standard practice. Moreover, the collaborative divorce contract assumes, though it does not specifically state, that each client completely waives his/her attorney’s obligations to maintain client confidentiality and not to inform the other party or lawyer of his/her legal, factual, or strategic errors. Yet, the contractual commitments required for “collaborative divorce” eliminate these obligations and substitute in their place obligations to disclose and to inform that are at least theoretically actionable either as contract claims or negligence (malpractice) claims.

Assume that Attorneys A and B and their clients have agreed to proceed with a “collaborative divorce.” Attorney A makes a mistake that disadvantages client A and benefits client B. If Attorney B fails (deliberately or negligently) to correct the error, can client A sue Attorney B for malpractice? If Attorney B corrects the error, to his/her own client’s detriment, can Client B sue Attorney B for malpractice? Does the existence of a “collaborative divorce” contract provide a defense to malpractice? Does it increase malpractice exposure by permitting each party to sue both lawyers?

If, unknown to Attorney A, Client A fails to provide full financial disclosure and thus disadvantages Client B, can Client B sue Attorney A for malpractice? Can Client B sue Attorney B for failing to take steps to discover the omission? Can Client A sue either or both of the attorneys for malpractice if the nondisclosure was inadvertent and would have been discovered through standard formal discovery, and if the effect of the error is that the judgment is vacated and litigated with new counsel with Client A held liable for Client B’s additional costs?

If Attorney A fails to spot an issue that would likely be resolved in Client A’s favor, does Attorney B have a duty to raise the issue? If Attorney B fails to do so, can Client A sue Attorney B for malpractice? If Attorney B raises the issue, can Client B sue Attorney B for malpractice?

Have you notified your insurance carrier? How will you pay for breach of contract litigation and possible judgments against you that your malpractice insurance does not cover?

“Collaborative Divorce” May Increase the Cost of Divorce

“Collaborative divorce” is marketed as a cost-saver for clients, but is it really? We all know that settlement is less costly than litigation. The issue is not whether “collaborative divorce” is less expensive than litigation, but whether it permits participants to spend less than they would if they employed more conventional settlement approaches. Most lawyers try informal discovery first and proceed to interrogatories or requests for document production or depositions only where informal attempts have failed or where the information provided is suspect. Most lawyers schedule contested trials only after repeated attempts to arrive at negotiated settlements. Most lawyers genuinely believe that better and more creative settlements can be achieved through negotiation and creative planning rather than through a court-imposed resolution. Virtually no good lawyer chooses litigation as the first and best option.

In a conventional divorce, the lawyer who has worked up the case, who knows the client and the facts, and who understands the interpersonal dynamics of the case, can use this knowledge base to proceed if necessary to a litigated conclusion. In “collaborative divorce,” if negotiations fail the clients have to begin again with new counsel and pay a new lawyer to learn the complexities of the case. If the clients have a relatively simple financial situation, they probably can’t afford to pay twice. If they have a complex situation, the time and expense necessary to duplicate or recreate the financial analysis and valuations will likely be outrageously high. In some cases, clients may save some money, though there is no evidence that “collaborative divorce” is less costly or less time-consuming than any cooperative settlement approach. In other cases, however, overall costs will skyrocket, and the time it takes to complete the process will be significantly extended because of the duplication of effort entailed by substitution of counsel. And while “collaborative divorce” proponents suggest that its practitioners will have fewer uncollected accounts, one may reasonably question whether clients who are forced to change lawyers will fully pay both sets of counsel.

Is “Collaborative Divorce” a Better Process?

Advocates of “collaborative divorce” say that clients are motivated to learn problem-solving strategies because there are no “court threats.” In some cases that may be true. Experienced attorneys know, however, that with many clients it is precisely the ability to schedule court dates and set deadlines that provides the impetus for settlement. Cases often settle only when delay is no longer possible and the time for gamesmanship is over. We’ve all had the experience - probably on both sides - of dealing with a client or opposing party who stubbornly sticks to a position until trial is imminent. Clients who employ more efficient problem-solving strategies do so in most cases because they understand that they will get the best results that way, and a contested trial date need not be scheduled in order to negotiate a settlement. There are no “court threats” because they are able to resolve their differences without the looming specter of a contested divorce. Moreover, where the bargaining positions of the respective clients are unequal - one is more financially experienced, or more legally knowledgeable, or simply more intimidating - the reality of “what the judge will likely do if we go to court” may be crucial to a fair settlement.

“Collaborative divorce” supporters also claim that clients are “more satisfied” with the results achieved with the collaborative approach. It’s not news that clients are more amenable to and more willing to comply with the terms of an agreed settlement than one that is court imposed. But what is the evidence that clients are “more satisfied” with a collaborative settlement than with a settlement reached through conventional cooperation and negotiation?

“Collaborative divorce” proponents contend that the process offers a way to practice law that is “more positive, more challenging, more rewarding, and more fun” than conventional practice. This is simply not the case for those of us who have historically settled most of our cases creatively, without having to give up the option to litigate if negotiations break down, or to dodge ethical issues, or to assume additional malpractice exposure..

Cooperative Divorce

The attorneys who are spearheading the “collaborative divorce” movement have adopted this idea with the best of intentions. They are looking in good faith for a more humane and less stressful way to deal with the sturm und drang of marital dissolution. They are legitimately frustrated with the waste of time and duplication of effort that goes into simultaneous settlement negotiations and trial preparation. They want to make a hard time easier for their clients and for themselves.

We can work toward these goals without running afoul of ethical rules, increasing malpractice exposure, and refusing to use the available resources of the court system appropriately to facilitate negotiated settlements wherever possible. Let’s call it “cooperative divorce.”

The “cooperative divorce” practitioner would:

Respect all parties and counsel and treat all participants courteously.

Respond promptly and in a straight-forward way to requests - both formal and informal - for information. (No paper bags full of unsorted documents, receipts, and junk mail in response to a request for production of documents; if you need an extension of time, explain why and ask for it rather than leave the opposing attorney to guess when he or she will hear from you, etc.)

Cooperate with rescheduling requests, requests for extensions, and the like as a matter of common courtesy. Everybody needs a break sometime.

Tailor information requests to the information needed for each specific case, rather than sending blanket, form discovery documents or routinely scheduling depositions without a specific purpose.

Educate his or her client about the other party’s rights and perspective, rather than simply supporting the client’s position regardless of its merits or the realities of the case.

Encourage the client to take a broad view and consider relationship issues. Help the client focus on the issues that can be resolved within the legal system and discourage justification of the client’s bad behavior on the basis of the estranged spouse’s total lack of redeeming qualities.

Prepare seriously for settlement negotiations; do the homework that is necessary to conclude the case. Run after-tax cash flow schedules and marital balance sheets; put together comprehensive parenting plans, update financial statements - as if the case were going to trial instead of a negotiation session. Too often we contribute to delays by being unprepared to negotiate effectively.

Keep his or her word. If a cooperative lawyer commits to provide information or a document draft by a certain date, he or she does so or makes a courtesy call to explain an unavoidable delay. If a cooperative lawyer makes a proposal in negotiation, he or she does not renege on the proposal on the table and retreat to a more favorable position for his or her client.

Use the legal system as a resource to help settle the case if appropriate.

Understand the rich menu of alternative dispute resolution resources and recommend their use as appropriate.

Maintain a civil and courteous approach. If litigation is necessary, stipulate where possible, cooperate with the admission of exhibits, accommodate the other side’s expert witnesses, and advocate for his or her client without becoming antagonistic.

Most good lawyers do most of these things most of the time. But we all slip up on occasion. Committing to “cooperative divorce” avoids the problems of “collaborative divorce” and improves the practice of family law.

Thanks to Gary Young, Allan Koritzinsky, Linda Balisle, and Margo Melli for their input and support of the “cooperative divorce” concept.
This articles provides general information only and is not intended as a substitute for legal advice. Nor does this article imply any attorney client relationship. This article is for informative purposes only and may not apply in your state, please consult an attorney in your area.

Linda Roberson
Shareholder of Balisle & Roberson S.C.
Practicing Family Law Statewide in Wisconsin
http://www.b-rlaw.com